Max loves Taco Bell

My friend Max moved to Poland a couple months ago. He sent this to all his friends back in DC.

Greetings from Poland. Life is great, I miss you all, blah, blah, blah.

I really miss Taco Bell. I just want to stuff my face with Nachos Bell Grande and a Chalupa right now. And also eat that extra taco they give you that can be soft or hard-shelled. Fire sauce goes without saying so pretend I didn’t.

You take for granted every day that Taco Bell is within walking distance, or at the most, a five minute car ride. When is the last time you thanked God or whom-or-whatever that you are so close to the best fast food restaurant ever? Don’t get down on yourself, buddy, I did once too. The last time I had Taco Bell was probably the day when some of us went tubing down the river of knives and I don’t even think we stopped at Taco Bell, and I didn’t even appreciate it if we did.

At least there are two subways(sandwiches, not metro) here, but they’re in either the zloty tarasy(golden terraces) mall or outside near the Palace of Culture and Science. Both are a 15 minute tram ride from our apartment. I can’t just walk around the corner with Rafal(ironic?) to the one on 16th street. Plus, the sauces are all different. When i asked for oil and vinegar a couple of weeks ago they gave me some viscous white stuff. And they don’t have roast beef.

There’s always McDonalds. Somehow they have managed to make everything taste exactly the same here as in the States. The only difference is that they don’t give you any ice in your drink. You can rectify this by asking “duze lody, po prosze” then asking again when they don’t put enough in the first time. But still, McDonalds is boring and always makes me sick afterwards.

There are also a ton of KFCs. Literally one every four or five blocks. But KFC is no Popeyes or Bojangles(they’re in the South and if you haven’t had a three piece meal the day after drinking way too much you are missing out on what i can only assume what trying heroin for the first time feels like). And they don’t have bisquits in KFC here.

The side-effect of not having Taco Bell is that I have lost a lot of weight. I can’t say exactly how much because Polish scales measure pounds weirdly, but I am guessing around 15 or 20 pounds. But that sucks because now none of my jeans fit. Including a pair that I would be embarrassed to admit how much money I paid for the last time I visited NYC(it rhymes with bun kindred mixty collars). And if you have ever seen any movies about communism you know that levis here cost 250 zlotys. More than one hundred dollars.

I miss Taco Bell.

Patience Eggslap (I changed his name to protect his identity)


October 7, 2008. Tags: , , . Eat this, Steph, Want.

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