As done by my good friend (and former teacher) Dennis – spoilers alert, but if you think you’ll never see this movie, this is the funniest synopsis I’ve read ever. This movie rivals Wicker Man (my fav) in ridiculousness.
read at your leisure after the jump
Since I have no stories to tell you and since I know you will NEVER go and see this movie, I am going to tell you the story, which was entertaining in a classical “SHIT YOUR PANTS” kinda way.
Ok, so the movie begins in a hospital where a woman (whose name escapes me but from hece hither we will refer to her as the Mom) is delivering a baby, but in a very nightmarish segment, she miscarries and next we find her maudelin at home with her equally gloomy gus husband. They are all ooky-poooky over having lost the baby so they are considering adoption(bad move!) Ok, so they career down the road to St. Mariana’s home for orphaned children, a dreary home for those sans parents. The children are all running around yipping and skipping under the watchful eye of the nuns who lovingly(not) oversee them.
The parents amble through the house separately and the father finds a little girl(9 ish) on the top floor of the building who is playing alone and draws beautifully and is singing like an angel. He begins bonding with her, the Mom enters and thinks, “Isn’t she darling?” and of course they go down to Sister Mary Pedophile and begins the adoption proceedings.
Ok, so they scuttled the adoption through very quickly (like 45 minutes) and the child, whose name is ESTHER (oh yeah and she travels around clutching an old bible!) arrives. She is dressed like Laura Ingels, and wears ribbons round her neck and wrists, which the nun has warned them about trying to remove. (The only time little Esther was ever a handful was when they tried to take them off!-imagine that) She meets her new brother and sister. The boy is named Danny or Donny and is about 12 and kinda looks like Robin Williams son in Mrs. Doubtfire, and the daughter is about 8 and has lovely flowing curls, seems very innocent, is DEAF coincidentally, and is named Maxi.
Esther supposedly is from RUSSIA and speaks with this totally fake Kremlin accent. She is oddly articulate for a 9 year-old. Esther goes off to school with Max and Danny-Donny and amazingly children treat her as if she were a bit …odd.(not too hard to understand considering she is wearing all of Melissa Gilbert’s wardrobe. One little mean girl knocks her bible out of her hand, and Esther gives her a look that could kill…forshadowing!
Ok, so this Esther is very endearing at home, especially with her father, with whom she seems to share some odd bond. Things are still going well with both the parents, Esther even struggling to learn the
piano from the Yale professor-Mom. It is not until the boy is outside playing near his tree house with a paint ball gun and shooting targets. Suddenly, a pigeon lands on top of the targets, and boys being boys, little Danny-Donny cannot resist the temptation to change the birdies colors with his paint ball 44 magnum. He shoots the birdy that falls, injured in the snow(oh yeah have I mentioned that wherever
the hell they are, the weather is quite inclement!) Liilte D-D is distraught by what he has done and is crying like a little girl. BUT, luckily little Esther is watching with little Max, and goes over with
a brick telling little D-D to use it to put that little birdy out of its misery. “It is the only kind thing to do.” D-D cannot do such a thing, but luckily, Esther crashes that brick down on the struggling
bird as if it had been a Chechen rebel, that gushed its red life force all over the lovely white snow. Max and Danny-Donny begin to think that little Esther might not be all she appears to be. They, however, do NOT tell the parents about this little incident.
The father of the nemesis calls and is convinced that little Esther hurt his little girl, who happens to have lots of broken things after her fall from the tower on the playground. Mom decides to put in a
call to Sr. Mary PEDOPHILE to see if there had been any “odd” incidents in little Esther’s past that might indicate a ‘PROBLEM’ Sr. MP said that she would do some research on ESTHER. The next day Sr. MP shows up at the door, and amazingly has discovered that the family that Esther lived with in her last placement had an unfortunate accident, THE HOUSE BURNED DOWN AND LITTLE ESTHER BARELY GOT OUT ALIVE! Little Esther listened to this conversation from the stairwell, and went and told Max, her ally, that the “mean lady wanted to take her away.? She had to be stopped! SO…Max and little Esther
went through the woods (yes, you guessed it they lived in a very remote area) and when Sr. MP was careering toward the comfort of St. Mariana’s, Esther pushed Max out in the slushy road causing SR. MP to career off the road, but being a saintly woman, quickly ran to see if
little Max was ok. Max looked a bit perplexed as she watched Esther bludgeon Sr. MP’s head with a hammer in quite a dicey scene. Esther then had Max help her drag the nun’s body off the road, and packed up the murder weapon and a bloody towel into a backpack and went up to
Danny-Donny’s tree house, and hid all that shit in his secret hiding place for his Playboys, Penthouses, and JUGS magazines. Eshter pinched her cheeks, combed her hair and readjusted her ever-present
ribbons and returned to the lovely hilltop home with Max. Needless to say, she has sworn MAX to secrecy.
Ok, so next Daddy takes little 9 year-old Esther to a lovely little snow-covered playground with lots of climby slides and Jungle-Jims, fashioned from wood. Overall a very nice retreat, and little Esther spies her nemesis, the bible-throwing bitch from school. The little bitch notices Esther as well, and registers fear in her eyes, no doubt because she recalls the steely glance that she received on the day of that incident. All the children are playing, and the nemesis decides to go up to the top of this little cabin perched atop a slide in thie childrens’ fairy-tale play area. The music is building slowly and lots of little scary things happen, all leading us to believe that it is time to “pay the piper” for the nemesis. Suddenly, from nowhere, Esther barrels at the little girl from behind pushing her from the height of the big tower, crashing down next to the slide, obviously quite hurt. She should NOT have fucked with little Esther and her bible. Max was a witness to the entire incident, but since Esther is treating her like a real sister, swears secrecy regarding Esther’s little prank.
Ok, so the nun is on ice (literally) and now little things start to happenthat start to make Mom think that little Esther is a bit “odd”, one is when the Mom hears this beautiful misic coming from the piano
room and she enters to find Esther playing Tschaikowsky as if she were VanCliburn. Mom thinks it odd that LE has feigned learning to play with her when obviously she already played like an artist. LE explains that she knew that her Mom would feel better if she had thought that she actually taught her to play…odd! Danny-Donny is convinced that little Esther had something to do with Sister Mary
Pedophile’s demise. In the night LE sneaks into his bedroom in dead of night and with a box cutter(a la 9/11 terrorist) threatens to cut his “little prick” off if he ever utters a word about his suspicions.
He proceeds to self-urinate and we get the idea that her secret is safe with him.
A day or so later a nun from St. Mariana’s calls to inquire if SMP had ever arrived at her destination that snowy day…they reconnoiter the area and find her on ice and LE overhears Danny-Donny getting the
truth about that out of little deaf sister Max. She also fesses up that the 2 of them hid the “bad things” in DD’s porn cupboard in his tree house. EUREKA! DD think thatif he can only retrieve these things, then he will have the proof he needs to take down little Esther. Unfortunately, LE slammed the door shut on the tree house(very high up BTW) and ssets it on FIRE! Danny-Donny is very paniced when he notes the flames, and even more so when he tries the door but to no avail. He manages to climb to the roof and dangles from a 25 foot high support beam, until he falls doing all kinds of unknown damage. At this point, Mom, who happens to be on the phone with an “orphanage” in Astonia is hot on the trail of finding out what is wrong with little Esther. She abandons the call when she sees smoke billowing from the tree house. Mom high tails it out to the back yard where she finds her son, half-dead and amazingly on the scene also is…who else, little Esther. Mom is really starting to put things togethedr now.
Ok, now for a sub-plot that I have somewhat ignored…as LE was going from bad to worse, she was trying to GASLIGHT the Mom, all the time endearing herself to the Dad. Also, the Mom had been in therapy for
over a year and one of her problems was…YES! our favorite alcoholism. Evidently a year before the movie began Mom was cocked and little deaf Max ventured out in the middle of the pond and would have died had the father or Danny-Donny had not been around. As you can imagine, the tension in the house and the building tension between Esther and Mom caused Mom to take a trip to the liquor store. She bought 2 bottles of wine and one evening after a big fight with her husband over…guess who…little Esther, sits with a full glass in hand and has huge internal struggles before pouring the whole bottle down the sink…PITY! BTW little Esther has also conned the shrink who is convinced that the Mom is the problem The Dad continues to think that Mom is just not giving LE a break…
Ok, so needless to say the fam goes off to the hospital with DD after his fall, and he is in rough shape. Grandma has been ordered to keep an eye on LE and not to let her leave her sight. Being a little endearing thing, she cons a buck outa grandma for the coke machine, but instead of feeding her sweet tooth, she makes her way to the Intensive Care Unit where she smothers DD with a pillow, but little
Maxi(poor little deaf girl) figuered out what Esther was up to and help was called…not sure that it arrived in time although they did manage to get a pulse on little Danny-Donny. The Mother is NOW
totally convinced that this little psycho bitch needs to go and slaps her into the middle of next week in the hospital waiting room, where interns come in and sedate the Mom with enough tranquilizer to bring
down a rhino. Daddy takes little deaf Max home with Esther.
(you forgot the part where Esther walks into the kitchen and finds dad
plowing mom’s hole from behind…..this makes little Esther cross.)
Daddy put little Max to bed and while he was doing that LE came in to say goodnight and to steal Max’s hearing aids from her nightstand without anyone realizing. Daddy, totally stressed by the day, decided to down the remaining bottle of Mommy’s wine, which he did at the speed of a cossack.
Meanwhile, LE was upstairs taking the scissors to what appeared to be Mommie’s sexiest black dress, all while Mommy was fast asleep in the hospital. Daddy was blurry eyed and totally cocked when little Esther appeared wearing Mommy’s newly altered black dress, and her best come fuck me pumps and a face painted up like a Moscow hussy. She plopped down next to drunk Daddy and explained that she really loved him He assured her thathe loved her as well…peck on top of head.
In the meantime, Mommy awakens in the hospital from the ringy ding of her i-phone and the tranquilizer quickly wore off when she discovered that this was the one English speaking person at the Astonian orphanage, which BTW evidently means assylum in Astonian and that Esther is a total psycopath-the worst that they have ever had in this mental hospital and that she used to have to be straightjacketed in order to keep from killing others or doing herself harm…thus the ribbons which in reality are only covering self-inflicted cuts from the old country. Also, and what we had NOT see coming was that LE was some odd kind of dwarf that looks like a little girl, and that she was not 9 but 33 YEARS OLD! Well, Mommy beat feet out of that hospital and drove like Danika Patrick to get home to Daddy and Max.
In the meantime, little Esther makes it clear that she wants more than a top ‘o the head kiss from Daddy and indeed she wants a piece ‘o him. Daddy suddenly realizes that LE is totally fucked up and tells her in on uncertain terms that Daddy is not gonna put out for LE which she does not seem to take very well since she buries a cutco knife in his chest about 17 times. Little Max picks that time to get out of bed and stumble about trying to figure out what the hell is up and hwo the fuck took her hearing aids, when she stumbles on Daddy’s carved carcass and immediately puts 2 and 2 together and runs to hide in a closet. Mommy is careering all over the still-sluchy roads but manages to dial the police to tell them that they have an intruder. Mommy careers into the support pillars of the house thus eliminating her need to use her key to find Daddy’s lifeless body. LE has pulled the fuses so we are in total darkness as Mommy searches the house to find Max. LE shoots Mommy in the shoulder with a big old gun and Mommy has to fleee to the roof to keep LE from finishing her off. Esther decides tofind Max, who by now is hiding in the solarium.
Mommy is on top of the solarium, able to see everything though the glass. She falls on top of LE from about 16 feet and takes down the little tramp, before she can do in Max. Mommy and Max leave the house in time to see the police approaching as they watch from the snow covered hill outside the house.
Suddenly, little Esther tackles Mommy with her Cutco and the 2 of them fall down the hill and slide out on top of the frozen pond. Max retrieves the pistol that had fallen out of LE’s pocket, and now that she is no longer in her pocket, she shoots blindly towards the pond. Well, 8 year olds cannot be expected to shoot well and the only thing she hit was ICE, which cracked and sent Mommy and little Esther into the icey deep…or semi-deep. Underwater knife was trying its best to slasho Mommy but somehow she managed to haul her ass out of that pond and crawl towards Max. LE grabbed on to her legs and was either going to be saved too, or drag Mommy back to the abyss. In a truly poignant moment LE said to Mommy, “Please Mommm, help me. I LOVE YOU!” To which Mommy replied, “I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOMMY” and bitch-kicked her right in the snout, sending her falling back to her death.
FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS.